


Her

by Superlissy



Category: Coronation Street, Kana - Fandom, Kate Connor (Coronation Street) - Fandom, Kate Connor / Rana Nazir, rana habeeb
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-17 17:56:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13664256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superlissy/pseuds/Superlissy
Summary: backstory on Kate's feelings for Rana and inner turmoil





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm no writer, this is just my attempt at something... originally posted on Whatpad a few weeks ago.

The first time I ever laid eyes on her I thought she was breath taking, absolutely gorgeous, amazing eyes and incredible jaw line. Yep as soon as I saw her I was gone. Few minor issues though, first one being she was straight, super straight, like Barbie straight. Also I was engaged, happily engaged, so…  
Becoming friends with her was the best, she has such a magnetic energy about her she just pulls you in, you want to be a part of her life in whatever capacity she allows you. Arranging Alya’s birthday surprise was the really the start of our friendship; it was from that first touch on my leg I knew she’d have me saying yes to whatever crazy scheme she’d drum up.  
The nights we’d spend together as a group laughing, joking and drinking were the best, we were such a tight group of mates, we all loved one another fiercely and protected each other like family. Would I look a little longer at her smile than most? Sure, would I enjoy that throaty laugh and outrageously sinful grin of hers more than others? Perhaps… but that was purely platonic, it was me admiring her as a person, she’s magnificent, you’d be a fool not to appreciate that. Zee was the luckiest to get to call her his wife; to spend his life with her; I loved them together, they were two of my favourite people, they made sense as a pair.  
That’s why when Imogen came along I thought it would be perfect, our fivesome becoming six, being able to all go out and nobody being the gooseberry at the end of the night, I figured they’d all be thrilled that I’d found someone to spend some time with, and who knows where it could lead. Admittedly, the drunken state I was in on our first, date? Meeting? Wasn’t ideal but her reaction to it was over the top. She was acting as though Imogen was a predator taking advantage of the poor vulnerable drunk girl. No, not in the slightest, this girl was drunk yes, but in no was being taken advantage of, if anything I was giving her the advantage. I just could not understand the anger and obvious distain toward Imogen. Why was she being like this? It didn’t make sense. In retrospect, I could see that potentially leaving her to be the third wheel on a night that she had arranged just to make me smile was poor form on my part, but it wasn’t as though I was deliberately trying to ditch her or only focussing on Imogen and ignoring her. Firstly, had she looked in a mirror at all because her in red, in that dress, with those lips? Nobody is ignoring that, least of all me. I think I can safely blame her appearance for my intoxicated state, nobody should be allowed to look THAT good, nobody should be able to smile that seductively and sweetly at the same time, say your name with such innocence yet such promise.  
Yes, I fear I am the lesbian stereotype; I am crazy about my best friend. My straight best friend. My married straight best friend. My married straight best friend whose husband just so happens to be one of my closest friends and work colleague.  
Seeing her reaction that night I’m ashamed to admit had me feeling things, feeling things that one definitely doesn’t feel for their friend, there was nothing innocent going through my head when Jealous? Protective? Pissed off Rana came out to play. Rana was breath takingly beautiful there’s no denying, but this Rana? She was nothing short of HOT. Maybe I need to sober up because I’m not entirely sure what her problem here is or who she’s annoyed with, me or Imogen? Either way a cute girl is interested in me, I’m not passing this up no matter how much she clearly disapproves.  
The next morning in the Café I / we were suitably ignored and her reaction to us both since got more and more disgusted? Outraged? Annoyed? Who knows what it was but it was bothering me. Surely as my best friend, any friend, any decent human she should be happy for me that I’ve found someone I’m enjoying spending time with and getting to know… why wouldn’t she want that for me? What was her issue? This became painfully clear when she’d see us kissing or showing any form on non platonic affection for one another in front of her. Her face and those gorgeous eyes only told one story. Complete and utter disgust. They say some emotional pain can be felt physically, I can tell you categorically this is true because when you realise your best friend, the girl you’d do anything for without question is completely disgusted by you and your sexuality, that shit hurts. I felt that pain like a knife to my stomach. She’s homophobic. How. Why. We’ve been friends long enough for this to come up, I guess thinking about it, the idea of me being gay is completely different to the actuality of it. She can be okay and “fine” with me liking girls until she’s actually confronted with me kissing a girl, that’s another story it would appear.  
How do you come to terms that the person that draws you so magnetically to them, the one whose eyes you search out in a crowded room, whose smile is your anchor and grounding to know everything’s okay; the one who can calm and soothe you with a bump against your side. How can this one person who means so much all of a sudden be the one who is judging the core part of your being? She can’t actually genuinely really like or care for me if she can’t accept the biggest part of me, being gay is very much a part of my identity, it’s important for me to never have to hide it or shy away. I refuse to hide a part of myself from anybody.  
She tells me she’s not homophobic and I’m being ridiculous to suggest it. She makes this my problem not hers, it’s all on me, she’s doing nothing wrong. She backs up her claim with its not being gay that bothers her its PDA, she doesn’t understand why I feel the need to kiss Imogen so openly. That would be okay and I could accept it if she reacted the same when Luke and Alya kissed, if she looked like she was going to throw up looking at them kiss then I’d buy her story. Equally if she wasn’t so big on PDA with Zee I’d also believe her, but the plain fact is she only looks like she’s about to throw up and completely disgusted when she sees me kiss Imogen. I’m no genius but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going on. Male and female kiss, hold hands and cuddle in public, she smiles, finds it adorable and says how good they are together. Female and Female sit too close to one another, share a quick kiss and heavens forbid hug she is all of a sudden over come with nausea and can’t stand PDA. I’ll leave that with you to work out what that means.


	2. Chapter 2

Telling her to stay away from me, pushing her hand away from touching me was almost impossible, it felt like trying to rip off a body limb. Seeing her so broken, hurt, crushed and crying; it was chipping away at all my resolve but I had to stay angry, I had to tell her to leave me alone. She wasn’t just upsetting and hurting me she was affecting Imogen, she was affecting me and Imogen and that just wasn’t fair. It needed to stop and it needed to stop now. This hurt, this pain, this friction, this was all her. She made this mess, she doesn’t get to cry and plead at me to make her feel better. No. it was better this way. If all this is true then why do I feel so bad, why can’t I stop seeing her face, why do I keep berating myself for pushing her hand away so callously. Why do I care. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I cant keep compromising myself by allowing her to have this control over me, this invisible thread that anchors me so steadfastly to her. I need to focus on Imogen, let Rana sort herself out, better still let Zee comfort her, let him be then one shes crying to in the small hours of the night, he should be the one who knows the silly things that make Rana, Rana. This information shouldn’t be clogging my brain.   
That would all be well and good if in fact Imogen was the girl for me, it would be so easy if she was but it was becoming painfully clear that we were very different. I wasn’t ready for moving in and getting a cat, I wanted fun, adventure, I wanted butterflies and secret smiles, I wanted a hint of mystery that kept the magic alive. I didn’t want to be pestered every five minutes, I didn’t want every part of my life being infiltrated by her, constant texts, showing up at work, inviting me to meet her parents. We weren’t right, maybe I was a horrible person and a massive hypocrite as everything I daydream about wanting with, well with someone I cant have I dismiss as pestering when someone I actually have a shot with offers it to me. Maybe I need therapy. Ending things with her felt right, it felt like the decent thing to do, for both of our sakes. Well actually for all three of our sakes as maybe now Rana will come back to being Rana again, she’ll smile at me with her eyes again, she’ll always have to have some form of contact with me again, nudging my shoulder as she walks past or hitting my arm as shes laughing at one of my lame jokes. If I get that back again then this is definitely the right things to do.  
Talking to Zee about it hurts, it hurts because I love him so much yet I cant stop that slight feeling of jealousy, especially when he talks about her. When he describes what she wants, I cant stop myself from saying out loud that he’s just described my perfect life. Stood there hearing how all of a sudden Rana now wants babies, a family and a secure married life with Zee, can’t lie it hurts. It hurts because selfishly I stand there wondering where I fit into that picture. Surely when they become the super grown up family with 2.4 children they wont want me hovering around them all the time. Is this the start. Is this how I lose her? Loser her, she’s not mine to lose.   
As she strolls into the Bistro it’s palpable the air crackles, the electricity in the rooms shifts, I always feel her way before I see her; there she is stood as gorgeous as ever, all lips and eyes. I tell her, tell her Imogen is no more and she can stop being narky with me now. She smiles, no. she grins, it’s slight, it’s faint, but it’s there. She grins and my heart rate soars. Then I see Zee and I remind myself that I’m just happy to have my friend back, that’s why my hearts beating so hard against my chest, that’s why my mouth is dry and my palms are sweating. I’m happy Rana my friend is back again.   
The weirdness doesn’t stop with her though, there is something wrong with her but she wont tell me what. Shes stopped the random nonsensical texts that used to make up so much of our friendship. She doesn’t call me when she can’t sleep anymore, she doesn’t just pop into the Bistro to say hey while I’m working. Shes not ignoring me, she answers when I call or text. She smiles and responds when I ask her to hang out or so something but it’s not the same. I cant articulate it because it’s exactly the same but completely different. She doesn’t find an excuse to touch me any more, she doesn’t go out of her way to just smile at me for no reason. Somethings different yet nothings different and it’s suffocating me because I don’t know why.   
Then it happens. The things that changes our friendship. Shifts the universe and completely spins my world off of its axis.   
I blame Rosie, she said it was Rosie who got her thinking? Assuming it’s Rosie that got her this drunk too. Yes I 100% blame Rosie. Right now I equal parts hate and love Rosie Webster…


	3. Chapter 3

The way she stumbles in I can tell just how drunk she is and I can’t help but smile because drunk Rana is the cutest; she’s such an adorable bean when she’s had one too many. Also she looks out of this world, she always looks good but there’s just something about her in that moment she looks phenomenal. Confident, sure, sexy? Guess that’s a weird thing to say but it’s true. She waffles on about how smart Rosie is and I know for certain that she’s beyond normal levels of drunk to say that because Rosie, love her as we do is not one for the smarts. It all happened so fast I still cant piece together at what point she stopped talking and started lunging herself at me. She threw her hands to my head and kissed me. Yes. Rana kissed me. Rana kissed me. She held my head and really kissed me. I pushed her away, panicked that I’d somehow imagined it and also panicked that Alya would walk out of the bathroom any minute. I couldn’t use my brain to make actual thoughts, I was in free fall, I didn’t know whether to drag her to me or push her away. Thankfully common sense took the lead and told her to go. Told her to go to the pub and I’d meet her there. Why was I meeting her there? I had absolutely no idea, all I knew is that I needed her to be away from me to give myself time to catch up.   
My lips felt like they were full of electric, I can still feel her on them yet also quickly forgetting her lips were ever really there. It feels like I’m in the middle of the best dream and worst nightmare all at once. Stood in my room hands on my lips, breathing in everything, going over every look, movement, every breath, she really did kiss me. She held me like she didn’t want to let go. I needed to talk to her, I needed to know what the hell was going on. What exactly did seizing the day have to do with kissing me, was she playing with me, was this some drunken bet with Rosie to kiss the local lesbian and see if she falls for it.   
Walking into the pub and seeing her bound up immediately was possibly the cutest thing ever, I couldn’t let her know that though. Until I knew exactly what was going on and what she playing at anger was my friend. Anger would stop me blurting out I’ve been wanting to do that to her since I first laid eyes on her. Anger would allow me to have some control over the conversation. Anger would allow me to stop myself becoming her lap dog. I needed anger right now because god knows I’m one pout of hers way from declaring my undying love.   
She was jealous? She was jealous of Imogen kissing me? Because why? Because she wanted to kiss me? None of this made any sense. She’s never had these feelings before, what feelings? What about Zee? Surely she had those exact feelings for him. I’ve seen them together, I’ve witnessed how she practically devours him in her kisses, she’s definitely had THOSE feelings before. I’m not doing this. I’m not entertaining any of this. She doesn’t like or want me, not like that any way. She’s jealous of Imogen yes I’ll agree with that but not because she wants me the way Imogen did but because when I’m with someone I’m not giving her my full undivided attention. That must be it. That’s why she kissed me and is saying this. She’s keeping me attached to that invisible string in any way she can. We all know Rana knows how to use her sexuality, she knows how to get her way and wrap guys around her finger. She obviously thinks she needs to do that to me to manipulate me. No. I’m not having it. No way. I let her know just how much I’m not willing to be a part of this when everyone joins us in the pub and I make a big deal of saying how I cant stand a cheat.   
As I sit there drink in hand I’m hit with that stab in the gut again. She isn’t who I thought she was. Why would she do this to me. I hate myself for pushing her away so quickly. I hate myself for not pushing her away quick enough.   
I can’t be this person, I cant cut her out and pretend it never happened. I allowed anger to get the better of me, I know Rana, she’s not vindictive, she’d never use me or dupe me. She looked so lost sat across from me in the pub, her eyes pleading but I don’t know what they were asking? I need to see her, talk to her sober and find out what’s going on. I can’t allow my feelings, feelings she doesn’t even know exist to cloud this, this is about Rana, she’s obviously struggling with something that’s been obvious for weeks now. I say how much I care about her, it’s time I actually show it and check she’s okay.   
Being with her alone in the kitchen while Zee and Yasmeen are out feels wrong somehow now, feels secretive. Again she looks so broken sat there in her uniform, broken but also hopeful? The way her face lights up when she assures herself that I do care. Is she kidding of course I care, if anything I care too much. The rawness of her confessions hits my chest hard, she doesn’t feel this way about any other girl, only me. She thinks about me, she wants to be with me. My ears are ringing and my heads spinning. This cannot be happening, she can not be saying these things, sat here in their home drinking their tea telling me everything I’ve wanted her to say since I laid eyes on her. No. This isn’t right, this isn’t happening. Then so broken, fragile and desperate she says “unless… you…” NO. unless me what? She cannot make this my decision. What does she mean unless me? Of course I want this, want her, of course I feel the same. No. No this cannot be happening, I need to leave before I pass out, I’m pretty sure I haven’t taken a breath since she said she only feels this way for me. I can hear my heart thudding in my ears, I need to go, I need to leave. Being around her is suffocating me, she’s all around me I need space before I say things I’ve been keeping in for longer than I care to admit. I’m not sure how my legs had the strength to carry me out the door especially when she looked at me so desperate to stay, once I’d made it outside I thought my chest would rip open with how much it burned to take the breath I’d been holding for so long. I needed to breath air that wasn’t Rana’s air that was just mine. I needed space. I needed time. I needed, her?


	4. Chapter 4

The space I needed didn’t last long trying to bury myself in work didn’t get me anywhere either as sure enough a few hours later that buzzing feeling is back, the atmosphere in the room had changed. In walks Rana, dressed up and looking heart stoppingly gorgeous. Coming straight to me, asking, no demanding to know if I feel the same way about her as she does me. I try to shut her down quickly, now is not the time Zee is here, I’m at work, people are here. It’s not the time. What is the time I’m not sure. I hold onto anger again for as long as I can because to be honest with you I am crumbling massively, she has me so weak for her it’s almost pathetic. I need to stay strong. I cant lie to her though, I cannot look at her face, into her eyes and lie. So I don’t. I tell her what does it matter, nothing is going to happen between us. I tell her again to leave me alone whilst also silently begging her not to, silently hoping she’ll leave him and then tell me she wants me. None of what I said was a lie, it doesn’t matter how I feel, my feelings are irrelevant in this because she’s married. She’s married to my friend. She’s married, so nothing will, nothing CAN happen between us. That would have been fine, I would have meant every word had her face not crumbled before my eyes. Feels like all we do lately is hurt one another whether intentional or not.   
Staying away from her is priority one these days, I’m not sure what hurts more, keeping myself away from her or being around her, both seem to grip me by the throat squeezing tighter and tighter day by day. The hardest thing about it is that we are so entwined in one anothers lives, I live with her sister in-law, I work with her husband. All I’m hearing about lately is how excited they both are to be planning their wedding, the legal part of it. How Rana can’t wait to become officially married to him, to the family, how she cannot wait to start their own family. It knocks me sick. I cant be around it. How can I, when I know what she feels for me, what she wants from me, and knowing how desperately I want to give her all of me. I am riddled daily with regret, guilt, and loneliness. Zee is blissfully unaware going on at me daily, giving me each tiny detail of the plans and counting down not just the days but the hours. He’s not completely clueless, he knows there is tension between Rana and I, knows we’re not talking but is putting it down to female drama. The day before the wedding. The day before she gives herself over legally, she finally takes her self off the market and devotes herself to him for life. I am throwing myself into as many shifts as possible at work, between the Bistro and the Gym I’ve managed to avoid the flat and most people, it’s working fine. Was working fine. Zee brings out his little boy lost look and plays the ‘mate’ card for me to go around to his and help prepare the house for Rana, yeah you heard that right. He wants me to decorate the house for his wife. For the woman I, the woman I’m, well for her. What kind of sick joke is this. Of course I agree, I go and do my friend duty, I nod at the right things and force a smile where necessary. I’m coping well up until he asks to show me her wedding present. There is nothing in this world I want or need to see less. As he disappears upstairs I suddenly realise that’s not true as that magnetic pull is back again and in she walks.   
She has the cheek to have a go at me, this is my issue all of a sudden, like I’m the one that started all of this. I try to leave, explain that I would rather be anywhere but here, I was here for Zee and now I’m gone. She does that look, that pout, with those eyes and lips and the tiniest bit of resolve I have is fading fast. She asks me not to go in such a desperate way. I tell myself no, don’t falter, don’t do it, the chaos and pain it will all cause isn’t worth it. I scream to myself do not melt. Then I’m gone, completely under her spell with the quietest, simplest “please” it was everything, it was pleading, desperate, innocent and soft. It would become my undoing. I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t hold back any more, everything I’ve always wanted to say came out in a kiss. A desperate kiss. A kiss that clawed at her soul, a kiss that I hope said what I couldn’t verbalise. I assume it was doing something as the urgency she kissed me back with nearly knocked me off of my feet. She was pushing herself back into me refusing to let go. It was every cliché you’ve ever read. The world stopped. The room spun. My heart stopped yet thudded harder and faster than it ever has before. She was consuming me whole. I needed to stop, I needed to come up for air before I completely drowned in her. I heard movement from upstairs. Shit. Zeedan. I had completely forgot about him being up there. I hadn’t even given him a second thought. Who was i? what person was I turning in to? Zee coming down allowed me my escape, even when he was walking down she was still holding onto me, she didn’t want me to leave. She didn’t want it to be over. I quickly make my excuse and leave, I practically run back to the flat. How is it I started off trying to do something nice for a friend for his wife and end up kissing the life out of his wife while he’s upstairs getting the wedding present he’d chosen for her. How have I allowed my self to become the person that does that t the people they love. How am I a cheat? A home wrecker? A liar? How can she marry him? How can she kiss me back like that and be with him? How can she tell me she wants me yet plan a life with him? There’s many things in life you can fake, a kiss like that isn’t one of them. She cant marry him. Can she?   
She comes to see me again at work, wanting to talk, I hate how desperate I am, I hate that when I see her ringless finger I allow myself to think things. Allow myself to think that she’s left him and she’s here to say she wants to be with me. How has she done this to me? How have I done this to myself? While sitting there talking, pleading she asks me again what I feel, I’m getting sick of this, why is this on me? Why does it matter what I feel. Why do I need to say the words? She was on the other end of that kiss, she KNOWS what and how I feel. Like I said, you can’t fake a kiss like that. All that’s been going through my mind since is, does she kiss Zee like that? Does she grab at him in that way, pull him closer to her lips, body, soul? I can’t keep doing this. I’m tearing myself open and it’s killing me. It’s killing me every time Zee smiles at me, says hello to me, throws his arms around me at work for a random hug as he has done a million times before. Only now. His smile, his words and his arms feel heavy, they feel crippling. I am full of hypocrisy and guilt and I hate it. I am done. I’m done with this. I’m so done with being the sap, being the fool that falls head first into the straight girl, I’m done with the drama and stress. God knows I’m too old for all of this. Whatever this was, is or could be. It’s got to stop.   
I tell her as much, tell her I cant do this, I cant be the idiot that’s crazy over her straight friend. I know she wants me to tell her, she wants to hear I want her. I refuse to tell her I want her because she’s going to choose him anyway. No matter what I say here shes going to marry him. Shes going to have his name, his ring, his life, his family, his future. I refuse to be the reason that doesn’t happen. This needs to be her decision not mine. I will not allow it to be mine. I tell her to stop messing with my head and to go plan her wedding. I knew that would hurt, saying it with the distain I did, I knew it would sting. I hated myself for it but I needed her to go because she was killing me. She looked at me with a mixture of devastation and stubborn determinedness, and off she went, out of the door and I fear out of my life.


End file.
